Do Your Friends Disappear When You Need Them The Most?

When a person losses their spouse or life partner they may be in for an aftershock. They may believe their social circle will support them.

But many are horrified to discover that their friends pull away out of awkwardness or discomfort. Couples often treat them as a social anomaly. Some of the women feel threatened by the newly unattached person in their circle.

Our culture's deeply flawed, awkward response to grief is often ignored even in self-help books about grief.

Becky Aikman's book,Saturn Night Widows addresses this issue.

My Friends Were Acting Weird

I was barely 50 years old when my cherished husband and best friend of close to 25 years suddenly passed away from an abdominal aortic aneurysm (AAA) also known as a triple A.

The shock and devastation that overwhelmed me after his death prevented me from understanding that he wasn’t the only dear friend I lost in the tragedy.

After the grief dust settled, I learned a heartbreaking lesson about the difference between real and fake friends.

I learned that people who really were there for me would take my phone calls at any time (within reason) or get back to me as soon as possible. They didn’t ghost me.

A Hard Truth

Veronica wasn't just my friend. We grew up next door to each other. An only child, V was just six months older than I was.

Since her parents were workaholics, we spent a lot of our time together. We walked to school together every day, took lunch breaks at the same time and were virtually glued together at the hip.

Although I had two biological sisters, I viewed V as another sister but from a different mother. When we married our husbands we were each other’s honor attendants.

She was the very first person I called as a newly minted widow. I was too lost in the hellscape of grief to initially recognize V’s chilliness. On the surface, she seemed to react as I’d expected. Both V and her husband attended the memorial service, sent flowers, and paid me all the appropriate lip service. They offered unconditional love and support.

Knowing they were there for me was a huge relief. That is until I realized it was all a ruse. Our friendship was the victim of my new widow status, and V slowly and quietly faded away.

One day I realized she wasn’t accepting my phone calls. They were immediately being sent to voice mail. Even when she returned my calls, the time lag extended. Eventually, she stopped answering my calls, text and emails.

I knew she’d completely ghosted me when she didn’t even acknowledge the birthday gift I’d sent her.

Are My Friends An Illusion?

How could my best friend since childhood treat me that way? After I came to the horrible conclusion she’d completely ditched me I was filled with conflicting emotions. Rage filled my heart. It was a bitter pill to swallow.

Since my friend wouldn’t communicate with me I discussed her hurtful behaviors with my therapist. She gently reminded me that friendships can be very fragile and may not last forever. Especially when they’re tested by a major tragedy like the loss of a spouse through death or divorce.

Dr. Shelley reminded me how challenging it can especially be for married women to relate to widows. She also suggested I appreciate that V and her husband showed up during the early days of my new widowhood even if they were no longer in my life.

It was a hard truth to acknowledge. But V and her husband weren’t my only loss. Other people I thought would be there for me, including family members, didn’t show up for me.

A Friend Test

During the first twelve months, I navigated the scary widowhood landscape, I eventually made peace with my past expectations about friendship.

During one of my sessions with Dr. Shelley, she suggested I implement a very simple friendship test. She encouraged me to make a list of all the people I considered close friends. Then she asked me to evaluate everyone on my list.

If I believed I could reach out to them and believed I would answer or respond in a reasonable time frame, they are most likely real friends. Otherwise, they’re probably not.

Once I made my list, Dr. Shelley encouraged me to test my hypothesis. Not only did she want me to contact every one of them, but if they responded in a timely fashion, she wanted me to let them know how much I appreciated our friendship.

Dr. Shelley encouraged me to make a similar commitment to every person on my list who I felt was truly a friend. I followed her suggestion by thanking each person I considered a friend.

Then I clarified that I would be there for them, no matter what.

I promised each and every person I confirmed was a true connection that I would hop on a plane, jump on a train or get into my vehicle to be by their side if they needed me to be.

Friendship Is a Two-Way Street

Anyone who knows me understands I’m extremely loyal. I take my word and commitments very seriously.

I understand that not everyone can do that. The pandemic brought challenging times for many people.

During those hard times, I learned that a quick phone call, message or handwritten card with a simple message of love works just as well.

Before my husband died, I believed I had many true-blue friends. Sadly, I was wrong. After learning to grieve the loss of my husband, I had to let go of all those fake friendships.

But it was time. I needed a serious wake-up call.

Friendship is a two-way street. An inauthentic friend won’t put in the same effort you do. But those who do are a true treasure. Appreciate them.

In my world today, I’m blessed to possess a handful of true friends who’ve stood the test of time. Our relationships are based on love, respect, and trust. I feel extremely blessed.

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